Raul Cabral Essay

I have a true story (only one of many actually) which exemplifies just how negative the behavior Raul describes in his essay can be, which I am going to tell because I would like to know two things; are my  horror stories worse than anyone else’s  and… Mom, when can I stop feeling like I have to be so polite all the time, no matter what happens?   This occurrence happened just this week at one of our local milongas. 

A relatively slow night at the milonga I am asked to dance by a man, a first time visitor to our community, we do not know one another.  We dance a Pugliese tanda, music is great, the gentleman, a kind, sensitive, musical dancer, the tanda, very, very nice considering his level as a dancer.  We chat, dance, and at the end of the tanda he generously expresses to me how wonderful of a time he has just had.  I give him a big thank you and a smile.  Tanda over, we break, he leads me to my seat, I sit down and so happens, he stands immediately next to me watching the dance floor.  Unbeknownst to him and me at the time, standing directly next to him is a member of our tango community whose desire to teach is so strong that at just about every milonga he is doing so, on the floor, off the floor, outside the door, in the hall, etc.   I, still sitting, am also watching the dance floor and all of a sudden I hear these words right next to me, “Do you mind if I tell you something about your dancing?”.  I cringe, as I now realize what is about to happen.  The “lesson” starts and he proceeds to “teach” the visitor everything he did wrong (supposedly) in the tanda, the embrace, position for the follower,  etc., etc., etc., it went on what seemed an eternity.  I am absolutely shrinking in my chair from embarrassment, when all of a sudden the “teacher” pulls me up from my chair to use me as his demonstration partner for this “lesson”.  I was so shocked and mortified at his insensitivity and his arrogance, so much so, that I couldn’t say a word, all I could do was immediately sit down again.  Minutes go by, the excruciating “lesson” is  finally over and the visitor, almost immediately, crosses the entire milonga floor to the farthest corner of the room.  After that, the “teacher”, who must have seen the disgust in my eyes, asks me this, “Did I do the wrong thing by doing that?”.  I honestly could not speak at that point and couldn’t answer him, something that has bothered me since.

First of all, one could assume, perhaps incorrectly, that for the most part, this negative behavior is primarily bestowed upon followers.  But, in this instance, this man’s victim was another man.  Now, just so you gentlemen out there who may be reading this, have an understanding of what happened, try to imagine this, put yourselves in this situation.  You are in a new community (are from a much smaller town) at a local milonga and don’t really know anyone.  You have just danced with a partner and for whatever reason, she made you feel great.  You are pumped, happy, feeling really good about yourself and your dancing (we have all been there at one time or another, regardless of one’s level). She sits down and you stand immediately next to her  and all of a sudden, a “teacher”, in what would appear a friendly manner, begins to critique everything you were (supposedly) doing wrong during the tanda, IN DIRECT EARSHOT OF THE LADY YOU HAVE JUST DANCED WITH (um, you remember the tanda, the tanda you enjoyed, that left you feeling happy and excited and maybe wanting to dance more until about a second ago)!  Not only that, but the “teacher” then proceeds to use this same lady (suggesting she concurs with his analysis of your dancing), BRINGING HER FACE TO FACE TO YOU, to demonstrate and to make absolutely sure you FULLY understand the depth of your shortcomings as a leader right smack in front of her.   OK, guys out there, this really happened, so tell me, how would you react to something like this? 

Personally, I consider this to be one of the worst horror stories I have ever experienced in regard to this subject.  Even though it was not immediately directed at me, for me it was worse than if it were.  The “teacher’s” behavior narcissistic, with everyone else within earshot, recognizing it to be bullying, humiliating, unnecessary and unsolicited,  and, in my opinion, completely insulting to our tango community, sending the message that we do not know how to treat visiting dancers when I know that not the case at all.

I wonder, is this the worst story or are there others out there, because I think this is about the worst I have ever experienced?  And here is where I ask myself (and my mother… maybe she sent Raul’s essay to me at such an opportune time), why, didn’t I react differently?  Why didn’t I let this “teacher” know how disrespectful I considered his actions, both to this leader, a visitor to our community,  and to me, immediately?  I realize I always feel that if I bring attention to negative actions by others, by responding negatively then I am doing nothing more than creating a feeding frenzy for more of the same, something I abhor, especially at milongas, but now I must ask, when is enough, enough?    

      

Thank you Raul and Clay.

Dianne